Ah, parenthood is an amazing thing. Birth is beautiful, life is beautiful, and nothing can compare to the joy you feel the first time you hold your babe. But make no mistake: raising kids is tough. It is a hard job, it is an ugly job, and it is a dirty job. (So, so dirty.) The good news is that even the hardest and most grotesque moments can be hilarious, at least in hindsight.
Dad Ben Patterson thought taking his young son Declan and letting his wife, Stephanie, hang out with her friends for a while was a great idea. He had no idea what he’d let himself in for.
It all started when, on the way home, little Declan vomited all over himself and Ben tried to clear up the mess.
“I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up myself,” he texts his wife, before admitting, “I just threw up trying to clean him. It smells SO BAD.”
So Ben the “sympathetic vomiter” ends up barfing on a lady’s front garden, who of course comes out wondering what on Earth is going on.
“I’m puking on some lady’s lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I’m drunk while driving the kids. I’m trying to explain that I’m a sympathetic vomiter and can’t handle the smell.”
And then of course the cops show up and breathalyze what they think is a mad, drunk, vomiting dad (still with a barf-covered toddler chilling in his car).
“Meanwhile Declan continues to barf. WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER.”
All the while, Stephanie’s been hanging out with her gal pals and totally ignoring her husband’s day going from bad to worse to waking nightmare.
But, in Ben’s own words, “at least I passed the breathalyzer”, and he finally gets things straightens out and drives home “with the windows down and breathing through my shirt”.
Aww, there’s nothing like spending time with your beloved (barfy) kids.
Update: Ben Patterson posted an update to his Facebook page clarifying “that while the rest of the story is true, the part about the police coming and the breathalyzer was just something I added for dramatic effect for my wife in the moment.”
